One of the joys in my life is baking not only for my family but
also for the guys who work for us at the auto mechanics, and welding shops.
Usually it's once or twice a week; depending on how fast they polish off
the pans of bars, cookies, cupcakes and sweet breads.
One of the recipes I make often is my AngelMomma's
Blonde Brownies. The pan in the photo is one of the very pans that she herself made them in.
After she died; I got to have this one.
One of the many things I've loved about it was her name
written in her own handwriting on the bottom in black
permanent marker. She started writing her name on bowls and pans to make
sure she'd get them back when sharing at church potlucks.
Because this pan has been so special to me; I pretty much only use it
to make her blonde brownie recipe.
Still; as much as I make them; ...
it's been used quite a few times.
My Momma has been gone over 9 years now.
So; no matter how permanent a black sharpie can be;
it still fades with dish washing. I suppose at least three times now,
I've found myself carefully re-tracing over her cursive letters in fresh, black permanent marker.
It just seemed important to keep it "there."
Well, the other day, Myguy came home from work carrying in my baking pans from the fab shop.
He grinned and said one of the guys told him, "You should take those empty pans home with you, coz then she'll make us some more."
Hearing that made me feel so good inside.
I set them in the sink, even though it looked like someone had already washed them.
After all, Lord knows what they came in contact with in the work truck, or how
long they actually rattled around in there.
I filled the sink up with hot suds and thought of my Momma as once again,
that olde aluminum pan was lovingly hand washed.
Turning it over to rinse, is when something didn't look right.
... and that's when it really dawned on me.
Where's her name?
I think I even said it out loud.
Maybe I was wrong and it was actually on the lid?
Inspecting the lid; -- it wasn't there either.
No... her handwriting had been on the bottom and
now was ...gone.
I felt hot tears start stinging my eyes.
Why did I even use that pan?
I should have stuck it back in the cupboard and kept it... safe.
I stood there... wiping away a streaming river of salt and remorse when
I swear I could almost hear her lovingly say,
"Leaonie, ...I'm not in the handwriting...
I'm in your hands."
--I stood there soakin that in a spell.
And I know if she really would have been standing there-
she probably would have said that very thing.
Then ...she'd tell me to keep using that olde pan, ... and these olde hands
...Just like she did.
Whatever your hand finds to do,
do it with all your might
Today is Momma's birthday.
And to celebrate her ...
I just took two sticks of butter out to soften
for another pan of
Happy Heavenly Birthday Momma.
I love you more, Leaonie