Thursday, January 17, 2013

From Thee End Of One Chapter To The Next...

This morning I finished writing in the very last page of this journal.  
It felt so ...bitter...
As I flipped it over and opened it ...I read:
"Dearest Leaon, 
I hope you enjoy this journal for many years to come and think of me
when you see it."  -- there was more, but I'm keeping the rest hidden.  
It was signed, 
I love you forever,
The date: February 20, 2010

So much life is recorded in this book.
Almost three years worth. 
Hopes, dreams, trials,
discouragements, ... lessons...
some anger... and a whole bunch of  love.  

 Then I opened this one.  
I got it for Christmas from Tony and Shell last year.  
It's been waiting all this time for today.  

I sat for awhile just looking at it... 
and thinking.  
Mostly; about things I'd love to see come to be. 
Then I started remembering....
A few years back I felt stuck about something that 
weighed heavy on me.  Literally.  

I'd been up and down with weight my whole life.
The older I got... the more I kinda gave up on it...
-- maybe I was giving in more like?
I don't know; but I felt miserable inside.  

I remember Myguy and I jumped in the truck to go somewhere.
He likes when I sit right next to him, and climbing in beside him,
I put my seatbelt on.  I remember so vividly him putting his arm around me
and pulling me close ... tight.  His hand kinda fell down... resting right on...
you guessed it:
my muffin top. 

Okay so I know... we're married and he's seen it all but
I still just hated that feeling of his hand on my 
spillage that was poppin
outta  my Mom jeans. 
That moment.... of  
being mortified... stayed all over me.

I don't know how much time went by... not much; 
but I wrote about it in my journal.  
Then; at the top of a page I wrote...
If it were Possible....
I would:
and I just wrote my heart out; baring my soul.
When  finished; .... I wrote this:
"With God all things are possible."  
I believe I wrote it out as Matthew 19:26  

From then on... I started to believe it; and prayerfully
did what I felt God telling me was my part.
My first blank of course was 
to lose my extra weight.  

I found a healthy weight chart online, 
and decided how much I wanted to  weigh. -- Where I felt my best.
 Then; every morning 
I stepped on that scale, and 
wrote my weight in the upper right corner of each journal entry, 
with  diet and kept track of everything I did that day for exercise.  
Mowing grass, tilling the garden... everything!  
I'll be honest I hate exercise, but love to walk,  and I'm fortunate to have alot of pasture.
I walked miles and miles and miles; counting  every calorie I put in my mouth
and  recorded  everything 
in a composition notebook.  
And to God be the glory... the weight came off.
And every day I stepped on the scale,
I would say thank you God.  
Because I knew He really was helping me. 
I still keep track pretty close.  
Every day.

I had one person in particular telling me she thought I shouldn't weigh
every day.  She said it's better to  weigh once a week.
But that just never worked for me.  It gave me too much
freedom to over eat one day and try to compensate for it the next
knowing I didn't have to weigh for a whole week.
Please understand; I'm not telling anyone what to do... I'm NO dietician
-- I'm just plain olde Lea  sharing something that helped me.
  And the truth that with Him
ALL things
are possible.
and more truth that
I can do ALL things through 
Him who strengthens
Philippians 4:19
Today, how all this started in the first place,
has come back around.
This morning, sitting with my new journal, 
I wrote the same headline at the top of the page.
If it were Possible, 
I would.......
I think I filled four new pages.
Praise God; weight wasn't really on there this year,
other than to maintain it and 
take care of the body God gave me.  
But there are plenty of other things 
I'm believing Him to help me with. 

 While I sat writing al this  in my new journal something occurred to me:
I jumped up and ran for a special  pen.  
This pen.
  My friend sent it to me around Christmas in a beautiful wooden box.
She told me I could use it for my writing.  
Can you read it?
I hadn't realized that it says 
exactly what I was thinking this morning...
that with God all things are possible.  
.... I felt God bumps.   
I share this today... because maybe someone else
needs to be encouraged.  
Maybe it's not your weight like it was for me...
but  something else?  
God cares and ALL things
really are possible 
with Him. 

Here's my new list here.  
 and in no particular order:

......... If it were possible God, I would:

..... trust you to share my journey in writing  without crossing everything out, backspacing, deleting, 
and tearing out. 

... stay focused... on  you God not me or others.
And put you first.  

.... forgive myself when I fail.

... Be a better helpmeet to Myguy; always building him up. 

..... grow stronger relationships.

....stop caring too much what  people think of me and get okay with the fact that not everyone has to like me.  

.....learn to see and love others like you do God.

....Understand the bible more... and read it through again.

....improve in writing skills and find my groove in You.

....keep growing UP.

.... plant and grow flowers I've never even seen before.  (happysigh)

.... learn to fearlessly express myself in my Art journal and learn to  create beautiful collage in Christ.

....Slow time down by counting my blessings every day and give you thanks.

..... Find a church home....  wherever you want us to be.

...take better care of my temple and drink more water. brave.

......memorize more of your word.
.... be less vain about my hair and skin  and learn to really laugh at the days to come.

.....go to Israel and get re-baptised in the river Jordan.

.....learn to always think before I blurt.  

..... Give grace instead of being a judge and jury. more and more and more.

So that's my start.
New heart desires 
surrendered to the God 
who  can make all things

How about you?
If it were possible... what would you .... do or change or dream to see 
differently... or learn?  
Because it really 
is possible.  

Holykisses xoxo


Patty Sumner said...

Lea, thank you for being so open.. I love what you shared today.. I alway journal...I love the idea of making a dream list..I am on that weight loss journey this year. I figure if I just could loose 1 pd per week for the year it would mean 52 pds at the end of the year. Love your beautiful journals. I am getting ready to decorate mine for the year. I have one for my bible study time and one for prayer time and one for the just "whatever" thoughts. Again thanks.. yes, all things are possible with Christ. Blessings!

Sherry said...

*sigh* I have so much to say, yet I can't find the words Lea. From the moment I first met you when I read about the extra special Lydia jars to this day, you have been a light in my life. Yes, I know you have your down time - we all do - but I feel like I know and can relate to your heart.
You have inspired me today so much and I do believe God allowed you to be an answer to a prayer I've had for a while. Today as I read your post, I honestly felt like He was nudging me and saying, "See? Told ya!" love you Ms. Lea. Going to be back to read and re-read this post a couple times more if you don't mind. xo

Anonymous said...

Lea, thank you for sharing your heart. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I need to write down my thoughts. I saw something recently that said 'over thinking - guilty'. I definitely tend to over think things especially being on my own all day so writing down would probably help to de-clutter my mind. I love that you share these things, it is so encouraging and always uplifting.
May the Lord Bless Thee and Keep Thee.

Love you.

Jeanie xxoo

Rebecca said...

Wow, Lea! Congrats on the weight loss. 2012 was my year to do it, too! I, too, write my goal weight beside each daily journal entry. Actually, I draw a heart around the date and time I'm writing & put a big cross across the heart (represents Jesus). The arm of the cross extends outside of the heart with an arrow pointing to 135#.

One of my goals for 2013 is to maintain it. I only have one other - write a Scripture song every week. The rest of my desires (many like yours listed here) are on-going and life-long goals.

May God grant you every ONE of those desires of your heart (or else replace them with something "higher" and holier).

I love journaling and see that you do, too....

Denise said...

I love your open, honest, loving, beyond beautiful heart. I love you.

Dee said...

I have gleaned a lot of much needed encouragement from your blog today...I need to catch up on my journal...not my art one but my written one. I also need to continue on my weight loss path. I like to weigh each morning and jotting the weight down in my journal is a good idea. Your list comes from heart searching....I think finding a home church will help you fulfill all of the list. :) Hugs...Dee