My Journey to Be Real ~Behind Those Eyes~

Greetings and Holykisses,
(Notice I'm trading my mask for a UNIQUE pair of glasses?)

I decided to NOT read anyone else's posts about our last chapter of Behind Those Eyes, until I finish my own post this evening. I want to share what God's shown "Lea" ... and not be influenced by anyone. Then, when I click publish, I'll read what everyone else had to say. I started to read Lelia's post at Write From the Heart, but decided to wait... ~ I can't tell you... how differently I'm seeing today.

Isn't it funny that just "today," was my eye doctor appt. It's not a coincidence... it's another ATTENTION getter from My Jesus. You see, ten weeks ago... well; even before then... I'd just finished doing our What Happens When Women Walk In Faith bible study at Lelia's... and after reading about Behind Those Eyes... I felt nudged to participate. Nudged, is not a strong enough word. The first chapter in the book left me feelin testy; why? I guess because the TRUTH hurts.

By thee end of Chapter 2's Ms Perfection... I wanted to throw my bible study in the trash. This ugly spirit of rebellion in me flared and alls I could do is point my "un-manicured" pointer finger at every one other than myself. I could see where everyone else misses it but not me! (HA)* I can laugh today, but I promise you... I wasn't then. I was frustrated... searching,.... and the devil was putting stuff in my head trying to screw me up even further. I mean the whole idea of Behind Those Eyes is to be Real. Be transparent in every area of your life. Transparent with God, myself, and others. After all, God uses our struggles and things we've been through for good.. for His glory, but only if we'll allow ourselves to be transparent. -- This is when satan jumped me. He used people and memories of things said in my past to tell me more lies. He'd say," You can't actually admit your shortcomings... just keep PRETENDING... they'll never know different. Look at all those other ladies.. they have their act together... they're perfect... let them think you are too." He'd say, "You can't share that... you'll embarrass someone, or yourself... have you no PRIDE?" -- Well, Lord I HOPE NOT!!

" Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Prov 16:18

Chapter 3 led me into yet another eye opening life change, because Ms. Confidence; I'm not! Seriously,... people who are really confident turn me off. Through this chapter I began to see areas where I've had low self esteem and labels that I'd use to in secret identify myself with -- but by thee end of the chapter, I realized...that I really am confident .. IN CHRIST! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And without Him; I'm nuthin! I don't ever want to be without Him. So I started seeing this light at thee end of the tunnel in my new journey to Be Real.

Chapter 4, reminded me that Ms. Happiness is inside of me. She's there. Ya know why she's there... coz the Holy Spirit is in my heart! My mind went back to the time in my life when I got saved. I'd been walkin around a young, happily married Momma with two awesome kids. We owned our own home... and had a good life; so why wasn't I happy? Because at that point, I didn't KNOW Jesus. Oh I'd been told of him, ... had heard the stories, been confirmed, to confession, and had a "christian" stamp of approval... but I still didnt' KNOW my Saviour. Then one night in our warm double bed, I asked Jesus into my heart. I told Myguy what I'd done, and
he asked Jesus into his heart as well. :-) That's when my life got a whole lot HAPPIER! I learned in a hurry that happiness didn't come from a new SUV, a bigger house, or anything money could buy...it took a Saviour to fill the empty cracks of my heart.

Chapter 5 took me to Ms. Spirituality. This was something the Lord had already been lovingly healing me. I'd been taught a few things all wrong. First I thought God is stern and harsh, rather than loving. Then God had been teaching me about His mercy and grace. I have this pharisee tendency, and when I get what I call "Pharisitical," Ms. Perfection comes stompin out and pointin her ugly finger again. I've lived much of my christian life under the law. What a waste that was! It's a real joy stealer, and makes me all analytical ... mostly of you again; not me. But me too.

Chapter 6 Cosmetics for The Soul. This chapter gave me a look into my "own" makeup drawer. Did you catch that Lisa and Lelia.. I said my OWN. For once, I am lookin at my own flaws.. my own imperfections. Did you just scream hallelujah? (heehee)
Ya know... ya hear people say, "If something happened to you in your childhood, that was then and this is now; get over it!!!" If only it were that easy. First, a secular person had to have made that comment anyways. Because things we go through leave us marred, scarred, battled and bruised along the way sometimes. Neglect, abuse, and disappointments especially. Although they don't define us, they do require some tender loving care. People will disappoint us, let us down, and turn their backs.. but God is always there. My Immanuel. My God can handle anything and everything. He's my healer.

Chapter 7 The feelings We Conceal. Here I did a reality check of my fears. Fear is why I hide things, and conceal who I really am. The bottom line of why I do this is because I "worry" what other people think. I've been that way my entire life. I'll lay in bed at night and rehearse my entire day... things people said, how they reacted... and 9 times out of 10 it's in the dark of night that satan comes out to play. It's right there where he'll make me "IMAGINE" things are way worse than they really are. At SONuP, .... when the light streams in.... things look differently to me. Hmmm... Isn't that interesting?

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:

7

Chapter 8 We Are Completely Loved And Accepted Completely. This chapter put my focus on God's love. That yes I am a sinner, but He still loves me, no matter what. I'm His. Forever!

Chapter 9 We Are Completely Flawed Yet Forgiven Completely.

Oh what joy for those disobedience is forgiven, who's sins are put out of sight." Romans 4:7

It's here I thought hard about MY sin nature. That we all have it... and are born with it. The question is .. am I going to lay down and give in to it, or allow the Holy Spirit to lead me. This is where Lea meets mercy and grace!

Chapter 10. The Truth Heals. Lisa wrote three points to ponder:
1. Recognition- This is the place where knowing everything I gleaned from this study, I take a long hard look in the mirror. Instead of seeing this old chick stare blankly back at me, I am beginning to recognize WHO God made her to be, On PURPOSE.. AND WITH PURPOSE. FOR REAL!
2. Admission- What stood out to me here, is that now that I'm FREE to admit when I blow it because we all fall short of the glory of God... my Immanuel is with me; will forgive and get me back on track. I loved reading of those who've gone before us... recorded throughout the bible as having blown it badly! This perspective brought LIGHT and HOPE for me. Reading how God restored Paul, Martha, Peter and David... reminded me that if He can bring them through... He can bring me through.
3. Resolution- How perfectly this word describes this last week. My journey is not ending... I'm finding it's just beginning. From here on out, my quest is to discover WHO He made me to become. FOR HIM. For once, I don't want to look at others and try to figure out "their" life. I don't want to waste time being someone's analyzer. I want to first look "uP," and then look "iN." I don't want to walk on eggshells with my head hung low because someone's judged me. I want to re-train my mind to not live life comparing myself to others, or their expectations of my life. To accept me for me... FOR MY Jesus. The truth HAS set me free.

When I first started writing tonight, I was sort of sad because even though I wanted to give up after week two, ... now I don't want this study to end. I'd have NEVER believed that 8 weeks ago! LOL I'm grateful! I've had other studies and books I've been reading through, but nothing has "ever" rubbed me raw, nor sunk so deeply- that I haven't been able to get it off my mind, ...just "compelling" me take a cold hard look into my soul as Behind Those Eyes. Believe me when I say, you proved it to me. And you did have to prove it!

"You will know the truth, and the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE." John 8:32

Visit both Lelia's and Lisa's blogs to read more about this study. Lelia is starting another new bible study soon: SELF TALK, SOUL TALK. If you're interested pay her a visit! I'll be seein ya there! ~ Oh and one more thing... on this last day of Behind my Eyes... my eye doctor strengthened my BIFOCALS, so I had to order a new set of glasses. Isn't it something that outwardly I'll be seeing things differently...but inwardly I am as well?